Sometimes it's ok!

It's been over a week since I posted.  I've just felt off for the last little bit, but today I woke up feeling GREAT with renewed strength to continue on this journey of mine!

I made a goal on March 15th that by June 15th I wanted to lose 25lbs.  3 months, totally doable!  I think that is what started me off not feeling great. For the last 1 1/2 years I have never had a goal in mind.  I've wanted to lose weight, but mostly I wanted to be more active.  I finally had gotten sick of not losing weight and was determined to hit 175.  My husband has NEVER known me at less that 185. 

This goal changed me though. It changed the way I looked at everything.  I became obsessed.  I started weighing myself every chance I got.  I started freaking out about what I was eating, and I started feeling like a failure.

It's funny to me, that before my goal even started, I began to give up and feel like a failure! Why did setting a goal make me feel like a failure?  Pretty sure it has something to do with a man named Satan and emotions of never giving or being enough.  He likes to get at me that way. He knows my weaknesses and he likes to pry them open with a crow bar and then pour salt into my wounds.

Wednesday and Thursday were such blah days, they were the salt in my wounds!  I didn't want to do anything.  I woke up with a migraine on Wednesday. I ate way too many crappy things.  I just didn't care.  I was burnt out.  Normally I feel bad about taking days off at the gym, but not this time, because sometimes it's ok to take a break.  It's ok to step back and take a look at what is going on in your life and what needs to really change.  It's ok to get the rest your body needs so when you do get up and decide to workout, you can kick trash at that workout and have the best workout yet.  It will leave you SORE and your muscles on fire, but it is totally worth it!  I love the active lifestyle I have now.  I love the desire I have for getting out and getting a good burn in for the day.  It makes me a happier person!

I want to keep my goal of 175lbs but if it doesn't happen, no harm done.  I can't continue obsessing over losing weight.  I need to remember that it's ok to get tired, it's ok to take a break, and sometimes it's ok to eat like crap, as long as I get back up and feel better and keep trying!

Today, when my alarm went off, I climbed back in bed, expecting to do the same thing, sleep in and have a blah day. I didn't really want to get up and go to the gym at 4:30 AM.  Lucky for me, I had only hit snooze on my alarm and it went off 5 minutes later.  I got up, said a prayer that today would be a good day, and I kicked butt at the gym.  I feel sore already.  I learned a new move that will knock the socks off of love handles I am pretty sure!  I started my day off right, here's to hoping I can start the weekend off right!

So - What Changed?

So - 

A few posts ago I said something changed. 

It wasn't really just one thing, it was a lot of things, but first things first - 

What I did today -

These things are DEATH! I am truly hoping one day they will get easier!  I thought kickboxing was death once too, but now I am in LOVE!

I truly hope it is the same with Spin! One day I will be able to complete the entire class!

This is me after Spin - I need to wear a different shirt where you can actually see all the sweat!  YUCK,  BUT awesome!

So, What really changed?

3 Months ago when I realized no matter how hard I had been working, I still wasn't losing weight, I began to want to give up.  I worked out 5-6 times a week burning anywhere between 400-700 calories.  I should have been losing weight, where was I going wrong?

I decided to focus on a few things.  I've picked up a few pieces of advice from friends, trainers, neighbors, and just plain healthy people, and I decided to piece all that information together and see what I get.

1. DRINK WATER - There are days (like yesterday) where I could go an entire day without drinking water.  My body doesn't like to tell me when it is thirsty. 

If you do not drink enough water everyday your body will store water and fat to compensate for the lack of water it is receiving.

Water naturally suppresses your appetite and also helps get rid of the salt in your system that makes you retain water!

 

2. Eat Protein - After every workout I now drink a protein shake.  It's just protein powder mixed with water. Nothing special!

Choose your protein powder carefully though. The one I am using right now I HATE. Really I am not sure there are any that truly taste good, but they help you stay full longer, feed your burned out muscle, and give you energy. In the next couple weeks I am going to be putting a post together about good protein powders!

 

3. COUNT YOUR CALORIES - I swore I would never count calories. I didn't want to be strapped to a number. I wanted to be able to eat whatever I wanted because I was working SO hard! There were days when I'd only eat breakfast and dinner or skip the first 2 meals of the day. NOT GOOD EATING HABITS!

I use the my fitness pal app.  I love it.  It's right on my phone.  I can add to it throughout the day so I know where I am at. If I notice I am eating too few of calories I can increase, if too much, I have a lighter dinner.  Knowing what I am putting in my body has been a huge change.

 

and finally

4. MEASURE YOURSELF, NOT YOUR WEIGHT -   Or and your weight.  I was so focused on the number on the scale not going down that I didn't notice the changes in my life.  I am usually no longer tired at 2 PM. I have much more energy to play with my kids.  I've lost 4 inches off my waist, 1 inch off my hips, 2 inches off my top, and 1 inch off my legs and arms.  The fat on my stomach is not as thick, and I am noticing a line in my abs a little, my biceps, and DEFINITELY my calves!  They are my favorite!

 

Most of all DON'T give up.  Find something you love and do it.  Wether it is walking with your kids, playing with them, or joining a gym, just do it.  Start small and work your way up.  I never dreamed I would be one to wake up at 4:30 AM every morning but here I am.  This morning I even woke up at 3:30 and couldn't sleep any more.  It's sometimes pathetic, but I love it.

 

I am pretty sure there is much more that has changed.  I know my attitude has changed from losing weight to being fit.  I can do things that a lot of skinny chicks cannot.  I am strong and I will win this battle of obesity, even if it takes me another year!  

 

 

Emotional Eating

Yesterday (as you can tell from my previous post) was a super hard, emotional day for me. 

If something could go wrong, it probably did, if someone could be mad, they probably were, and if there were cookies or pizza in the house, it probably would be eaten (which it was)!

I really hate emotional days.  I haven't figured out how to cope with them.  I still turn to food to bury my feelings, hoping it will make me feel good.  It doesn't usually!

 - let's be honest - it NEVER DOES!

3000 Calories - that's how many I ate yesterday!

When I have bad days I usually throw tracking to the wind and say "whateve"!

Not yesterday though.  I decided I needed to hold myself accountable.

I ate 10 Samoa G.S. Cookies, 4 slices of pizza, and an orange soda.

*remember the don't drink your calories post from a few days ago - I TOTALLY didn't listen!

2 years ago, after I had Carsyn, I had to have my gall bladder removed.  It was kicked to death by a squirmy baby inside.  Eating crappy food has never been the same.  I get SO SICK to my stomach and I can feel it for days.  The thing that processes all the fat in my body is gone. 

You would think that would be enough to deter me, but apparently it's not.

I know yesterday will not be the last emotional, super hard, very frustrating day so I need some help. 

The other day my blog got over 500 views.  All of you people - please - INSPIRE me! 

What are some of the things you have set in place to make sure you don't give in to emotional eating?  How have you overcome emotional eating? 

Does your brain (or Satan) ever tell you - 
"you suck, you will never be skinny"

"just eat the dang cookies, it's only one day"

"just eat the whole box, then they'll be out of your house"

My brain was on fire yesterday with all sorts of these sayings going on in my head.  I tried to get out and go for a walk and it worked for a while but then I let him get back into my head.

Today I started over.  I still lost 1.5 lbs this last week which made me happy.  

I was 209.8 and I am now 208.3!

I kicked the trash (or should I say punched) out of a boxing bag.

I burned 775 calories!

And it was AWESOME!

 

OH! And I wore a tank top to the gym!  It was a BIG thing for me! I didn't look too bad either 

(except when doing burpees or mtn climbers - tank may have to be for spin class only until my chest decides to DISAPPEAR!)

Bad Days -

Have you ever had such a BAD night that you just crawl into bed and go to sleep, only to wake up in the morning with that bad night turning your day into a bad day?

I am having that very moment today. 

I will take my success in small baby steps today!

I feel like going downstairs and getting the box of Oreos and just eating them all.

I am an emotional eater for sure!

The small success I've had this morning is eating a healthy breakfast,

instead of going downstairs and getting those 

OREOS

Don't worry, my bad day has nothing to do with my weight loss journey, 

just LIFE.

Sometimes life sucks and you just want to crawl in a hole until the sun is shining on your life again.

I am waiting for that today, and what more perfect day to wait for that then the warmest day of the year so far!  Here's to a SUPER sunny day and a much happier one for me!

No workout picture yet - I stayed in my hole this morning!  I hope to get a workout in at home today.  

I CAN DO IT!

How much . . .

"How much weight have you lost?"

That is a question I get asked almost daily, or quite often.  

It is very frustrating to say "I really haven't lost anything".  They always come back with "well, you look great, it must be turning into muscle".  

I know it is!  I can finally see it.  I see a line in my biceps.  I see a line in my stomach.  The fat on my lower abs isn't as THICK (growse, I know). 

But to answer the real question - "how much weight have you lost?"

I really DON'T KNOW!

I started this journey for REAL after having my last son (Carsyn).  He is going to be 2 in May so I guess this is a 2 year journey thus far.  I wish I could be one of those that have lost it all in 1 year and then kept it off, but life gets in the way.

My highest weight while pregnant with Carsyn was 238. I am not entirely sure that is the final number.  I believe that was at 35 weeks or so.  I stopped looking eventually.  After having Carsyn I had to have my gall bladder removed.  After I was all healed from that I really started paying attention and keeping track I remember weighing in at 228. 

I started a boot camp class in Logan at 221 and lost 12 lbs in SIX WEEKS.  It felt GREAT!  I loved the class and honestly if it weren't for that class, I would have never thought I could do what I do now at the gym.  

Shortly after the session started my husband got a job in Provo (2 hours away).  He had to leave during the week and was only home for a day and a half before going back.  It was the hardest 3 months of my life.  We put our house up on the market and were stressed beyond belief.  I was able to maintain the 12 lbs I had lost with another round of bootcamp, but that was it.  I should be more proud of the fact that I maintained through all the stress but I was pretty bummed.

After we moved I got back up to 221.  I was frustrated with myself!  I found some running partners and they got me going.  This was in March and by August I was down to 208, which is where I am now.  

I truly haven't lost weight since August. Oh how frustrating it can be.  I've wanted to give up several times but there are so many wonderful people that have pulled me through the rough times, encouraged me to keep going, etc.  

I have fallen in LOVE with kickboxing and pump classes.  When I miss them I beat myself up all day wishing I had gone. There has been a change in me since August and it's a change that really needed to come.

 My new shirt!  Not quite ready to break out the tanks.  Almost a tank top, but not quite!  And a bright color to keep everyone awake!

 Mid-workout!  Today kicked my trash.  According to my handy dandy heart rate monitor, I burned 850 calories with kickboxing and 15 minutes on incline of 7 on the dreadmill!

 These bags are my BEST friend on Tuesday and Thrusdays!

Stay tuned for what that change is!

Soda - DON'T DRINK YOUR CALORIES

I NEVER drink soda.  

When I say never, I really mean never.  I may have 1 soda ever 3 or 4 months, if that!  When we go out to restaurants, we always get water.  Not because it's water I want, but water is FREE and with the FRUGAL husband I have, water it is!

This weekend we went to Logan (2 hour drive) to celebrate my sisters 30th birthday!  We threw her this little surprise party and went bowling.  There  was pizza, chips, and a whole lot of soda but no water in sight!

I was SO proud of myself.  I only had 2 slices of pizza.  I normally would have eaten about 4, sometimes 5 slices.  While eating the pizza I thought I was being good by only drinking half of a cup of root beer.

We then went bowling they had code red.  Code Red is my ALL TIME favorite soda.  It's got such a yummy taste and gives me a boost of caffeine, I LOVE IT! It is my weakness for sure.  I got a 20 oz to share with my sister, but I'm pretty sure I drank most of it.

We then went to my mom's house.  She had made some yummy sloppy joes (I only ate 1), there was some yummy potato salad, the BEST potato salad made by my grandma, I only had 1/2 cup of that. But then there was root beer.  My 2nd greatest weakness in soda other than code red.

At the end of the night I entered all my information into myfitnesspal (friend me if you're on there) and I went over my calorie goal by 450 calories. Wanna know how many calories was in all the soda I drank?

463

I DRANK MY CALORIES -

I could have endulged in another sloppy joe instead of feeling hungry, had another slice of pizza, had some more of my grandma's salad.  I could have had some chocolate chip cookie or who knows what, but I DRANK MY CALORIES!

I was more upset over the fact that I drank my calories than the fact that I went over for 1 day!  DON'T DRINK YOUR CALORIES, it's not worth it and will leave you unsatisfied and craving more for days!